the fourth spring

Time is a very funny thing isn't it? When we are experiencing "good times" in life time seems to "fly" and we can never get enough of it and yet when we encounter hardships we often are surprised at how long something lasts. 

And sometimes... well sometimes life is a mixture of both. 

And for me, that is what this fourth spring on this journey feels like. It is the fourth spring since I have moved home to my parents house suspecting that I was dealing with more than "just" CFS/ME and Fibromyalgia. It is the fourth spring since my entire digestive system started to crash and I needed IV nutrients. It is the fourth spring since I gave up my independence, moved back home into my parents home, and then eventually (in the winter) became unable to walk with no explanation. It is the fourth spring away from the job that I loved (teaching). It is the fourth spring that I have experienced extreme illness and pain. It is the fourth spring that I am completely reliant on my parents, family, and friends for help in a variety of ways (including financial resources).

It is the fourth spring that many people would classify as a time that has been horrendous and as one person said to me yesterday, "I bet you will be glad to say goodbye to this chapter on of your life". Hmmm... yes and no. You see... something has continued to develop in my heart. When I wrote that post about delighting in the ordinary a couple of years ago I meant what I said. There had been a "change in the wind" throughout these years in my heart. Instead of saying "I want this to end... (or) I want this time to be over" I find myself tearfully surrendering and begging the Lord for healing and asking for continued wisdom -specifically in how He would use me right now. I struggle but tearfully surrender to wishing for the past and accepting the present and the future. I pray for strength to rest in the truth of the verse "Godliness with Contentment is Great Gain". I found myself wrestling with the Lord in prayer in new ways- and learning to trust in new ways.  

It is the fourth spring of spending hundreds of hours with the Lord in prayer in bed because sometimes I am to weak to even sit up. It is the fourth spring of seeing the Lord provide for me daily on this journey - emotionally, physically, spiritually. It is the fourth spring of being overwhelmed by the love and kindness of family and strangers alike in this journey. It is the fourth spring of learning who I am in Christ in a whole new way. It is the fourth spring of this fight... a fight that still has a while to go.

These years have been painful, long, and quite difficult.  And yet, this is the battle. The battle to get well and to fight to beat these diseases. I well up with tears though at the goodness of the Lord. I have a wonderful doctor and medical team and they are fighting this journey with me. I have amazing parents who lavish love and encouragement on me. I have a lovely grandmother who spends hours upon hours in prayer for me. I have sweet friends who have never walked away and have supported me whole-heartedly in this journey. One day at a time friends (and sometimes one minute at a time) we will take this fight. The Lord is with me. He continues to provide wisdom and direction- even as recently as the end of the last week as blood work came in and we learned some new news. Surprising to me but not to the Lord. He is NEVER surprised by any of this. And friends, "There will be a lovely ending to this story of frustration, something worth all it has cost." (Amy Carmichael) 

So I continue on one day at a time as I face each new day in this fourth spring. A spring that has been filled with different plans then I originally thought and filled with a new battle of looking to find grace in the hard, but a quiet confidence that He will yet show up again. A spring that I know the Lord will provide for me again- in miraculous ways. A spring of trusting the Lord who knows my heart and knows the way I will go. A spring filled with days of falling more in love with my Savior. 

As I continue on in this fourth spring I cling to these beautiful verses in Jeremiah: 

"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert. The LORD appeared to me in a faraway place and said, “I love you with an everlasting love. So I will continue to show you my kindness. Once again I will build you up, and you will be rebuilt, my dear people Israel. Once again you will take your tambourines, and you will go dancing with happy people. Once again you will plant..." 

-Jeremiah 31:2-5-

Once again dear friends... once again I am starting the fourth spring looking to the Lord and His love and knowing that He will have the best in mind. What a good and amazing God He is. Thank you so much for all of your continued prayers for me on this journey. Every single day I see the answers to each of them in a thousand different ways. 

For the past couple of weeks I have had Rend Collective's song, "broken bread" on repeat. The words have become the cry of my heart. I was so inspired by Kara Tippetts post and video (shown yesterday in her post on Mundane Faithfulness) that I had to make my own video. I know that you will please forgive me if you were uninentionally left out... there are SO many people that have been so gracious, so giving, and so loving. 

Thank you dear ones. Thank you for loving me so well during this long journey. You continue to speak and show God's grace in so many ways. So many of you have sacrificed SO much... from missed weddings to financial gifts to continued messages of love. I am overwhelmed and I cried throughout the making of this video as each picture from these past four years reminds me gently and lovingly that just as in the days of the past God will continue to graciously and lovingly meet the small and the big. How do you say thank you to so many of you who have lovingly showed up and shown God's clear light in the darkness? My heart can only beg the Lord to bless you. Thank you dear ones for lovingly and preciously loving my heart through this journey. You have made a huge difference and have been used greatly by the Lord. 

With lots of love friends,