Notes from the Porch (forty): The God of Love

Thank you so much to all y'all who were praying for my phone appointment yesterday. As I shared on instagram and Facebook, I so appreciate all of your words, so many kind texts, and all of the prayers that were guiding the appointment. I also appreciate your kind understanding as I digested the information that was given and the next steps that I am looking at for treatment. While at this time I do not feel comfortable sharing all of the information and details I did want to provide general information as I know so many of you continue to pray. 

I read a quote almost two months ago that has pierced my heart with its truth, vulnerability, and its grace. It said: 

"Interestingly enough, the most asked question in the whole Bible (from Genesis to Revelation) is "How Long, O Lord, How Long?" And the most repeated command from God is, "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid". The people of God consistently cry out for relief, and the God of love bids us to trust Him."

How absolutely true. As I find myself consistently crying out with, "How Long, O Lord, How Long", God in His grace and mercy doesn't provide that exact answer, but instead lovingly bids me to trust Him. Yesterday was another moment of learning this difficult but important lesson. In many ways I am not sure why talking to my doctor yesterday was such a difficult experience. To be truthful, going into the conversation I pretty much knew what was coming and yet, there was a part of me that hoped for the news to be completely different. Before the conversation one of my closest friends asked me, "Is there a specific outcome or course of treatment that you are hoping will be the next step?" And I just broke down crying. I knew that for my particular case that the best course of treatment would be to go to the PICC line and begin IV therapy at a consistent and daily rate, but my little child self wanted to run away. 

As the phone rang I honestly considered not answering it and prayed for the Lord's strength for the conversation. The conversation for my doctor wasn't easy either (I dearly love my medical team for their compassion also) - I mean who wants to tell anyone that "awesome job - you will finish round one of treatment of the most difficult shot tomorrow and have three weeks left of the other part of the treatment and guess what? Your reward is a PICC line and more treatment?". 

No one. 

The truth is that nothing in the appointment that we heard that was a surprise. The topic of a PICC line had been introduced almost 17 months ago when I first started with this medical team, but as those of you know who have been around here for a while it took almost a year to get my body stable and then begin the slow and arduous task of introducing antibiotics and then heading into the current regime of treatment of a mix of IM shots and IV therapy. One slow step at a time. 

And this is the next step. It's my next step... a step that will bring me closer to healing and closer to the end of this incredibly tough journey, but I would be lying if I would say that it is an easy step. Anyone who is having a PICC line placed is obviously having it placed for serious reasons and the IV treatment is not a picnic. Hearing the details left us all feeling quiet and sad, with a few tears. 

In many ways this has felt like a great cloud has covered this time of rejoicing over nearing the end of this treatment round (and finishing the last required MOST DIFFICULT shot TODAY!!). There have been so many miracles that have happened this summer in regards to this treatment round and acknowledging that even a year ago I would never be strong enough to handle what has happened and what is to come. There has been grace that has met me on the most difficult days. I don't want to forget any of this in the process of moving forward, but I admit that yesterday has left me a little discouraged and humbled. But I am also reminded that we are gently and lovingly carried by the Lord and met with grace for each day (Psalm 68:19). So today there is a mixture of hard and good. Tears and rejoicing. Struggling and trusting. And knowing that my discouragement and fears will be preciously and tenderly met by the God of love that bids me to trust Him in new ways.

Due to a variety of factors (that I will not bore you with here) the timing of this needs to happen rather quickly and due to a number of factors my mom (who needs to be with me for medical reasons) and I will be flying out in the third week of October (October 18th-24th) for a week in San Francisco. While we are there we will have the PICC line inserted and then will start the rounds of different IV medications in my doctors medical practice so that I can be carefully monitored in case of any reactions. 

As it was for the June trip, this trip is quite expensive and we would covet your prayers for all of the funds to be provided. I have updated the "Go Fund Me Page" accordingly and I so appreciate your prayers as I humbly mention this need:

Here are the breakdown of costs for our California Trip: 

Doctors Appointment- $500
2 Round Trip Airline Tickets (from Burlington, VT or Albany, NY)- (approximately) $1500
Hotel Stay (5 nights)- (approximately) - $1500
Rental Car- $250
Food- (approximately)- $300
Total Cost- $4050

Thank you for crying with me friends, rejoicing in the good, and all of your prayers that continue to help carry me each and everyday. You are a blessing that words can not describe,