Notes from the Porch {eighteen}: a voice in the wind

*There are so many of you that have sent me beautiful text messages, lovely emails and facebook messages, left compassionate voicemail messages, and have sent the sweetest cards in the last couple of weeks. I appreciate your patient understanding as I work through answering each of them. They are so precious to my little heart that I didn't want to just give a quick reply and I appreciate your kindness in my delay to respond as quickly as I would like.*

** While I have chosen to be very open about this health journey through Lyme and Cancer this post is going to be a little more ambiguous in the details. I appreciate your sensitivity and compassion to this and the choice that I (and my family) has made at this time.**

*** I can't begin to express my gratefulness to Pacific Frontier Medical Group for your AMAZING staff and kindness. TRULY I am confident that the Lord led me to them for treatment! ***

"After the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was a voice, a soft whisper."

-I Kings 19: twelve-

California- May 2013 - After receiving treatment at Whitaker Wellness Institute

I meditated on this verse a year ago as I headed out to California to begin treatment at the Whitaker Wellness Institute. I am so incredibly grateful for the wonderful treatment that I received there (and hope to go back for additional treatment in the future). In many ways I can't believe that it has been a year! 

California- May 2013 - After receiving treatment at Whitaker Wellness Institute

A year that has been filled with incredible ups & downs & learning a whole new language of Lyme Disease &Cancer. Sometimes it seems like the days have flown by while other times the days seem long. 

 In the last few days I have looked at this verse countless times as I have felt that I fell through an earthquake, walked through a fire, and survived a storm. As many of you know from a picture that I posted on instagram I had my follow up appointment (over the phone) with my new doctor from California on Monday. During this meeting we were going to discuss the plan that I have been following from my office visit (at the beginning of March) and also the results of the extensive blood work that I did while I was out there. {Some of the blood work results I had already received back and was so excited to share that for the first time in two years it was some good news!}

As I mentioned in my Notes from the Porch {sixteen} we were exploring some extensive blood work to see what the best course of action (for the future) would be. I think that I had mentally (and emotionally) prepared myself for a lot of different things that would come out of that phone call. I wasn't sure (to be honest) what my summer would look like or if they were going to find that I was suffering from extensive Lyme Co-infections. One of the things that I was most curious to hear about was if I had the MTHFR gene mutation and I assumed that would be the focus of the conversation. And while I do have the MTHFR mutation the focus on the conversation was not anywhere near that for the most part. 

From the start of the conversation I could tell  that my doctors tone was not only kind and compassionate but was also laced with a touch of surprise and sadness. After we talked for a few minutes she explained that I am in fact testing positive to another illness in addition to the Lyme and Cancer. This illness (and again, at this point I am still coming to terms with it and understanding what exactly it is!) unfortunately is very serious and also has affected the way that my body is functioning. This is an environmental illness that is not only affecting my entire body but is (obviously) preventing me from truly being able to heal and beat Lyme. Adding in this environmental component to my already fragile body has put things in a very serious situation and has created a chain of events (and affects) that we are having to make some serious decisions about. Due to the fact that I do have have the MTHFR gene mutation this has (obviously) heavily contributed to this issue. And ... due to all of these complexities it looks like our treatment of Lyme being the main focus is going to have to take a backseat which I fight and deal with this new issue (or "new" to me finding out). 

To be absolutely frank I spent most of Monday in shock and then Tuesday and yesterday in tears. Last night as I went to sleep I wept as I cried out to the Lord. I had someone ask me why I would be so upset because this is good news to have found out "another component" to the picture of what is going on. I am sure that they meant well but honestly my heart was not there. And in many ways it is still not. It is very easy to say (from outside the situation) that this might be "good news" and that this will "help me get better". BUT at the same time you are talking to someone who has been fighting and struggling to get well (even before we knew I had Lyme) for the last eight years (since I contracted Lyme). And the last two years have totally shattered my life - with having to move home to my parents, quit my job, give up ballroom dancing, give up a lot of independence, take a break off from school, etc. SO finding out that these next 8-12 months are going to be primarily focused on this new issue and then still have to fight Lyme aggressively... well honestly friends it just broke my heart. I definitely felt that it was like a GIANT earthquake had gone right through my heart. 

On top of all of that I learned that this new illness is difficult to fight and I feel very tired. I definitely felt like I was walking through the fire. On Tuesday I just cried and cried with my sweet friend Jen ... crying out to the Lord and begging Him (as my amazing friend Michelle did) to bring "beauty and new life" to the ashes. I said to several people that at this point I am still completely lost at this recent news. It just seems NEVER ending and I feel like there is just always "one more thing". I will be honest friends that I think that this is one of the lowest emotionally that I have felt in this entire journey.

"but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was a voice, a soft whisper."

I love love love the last part of this verse. The Lord was not in the fire.And after the fire there was a voice, a soft whisper. I love how the Lord has been gently whispering to my broken little heart. 

To rest in the truth of His words.

To rest in the knowledge that He does have a plan.

To rest in the truth of who He is.

To rest in the fact that the Lord has led me to a wonderful team of doctors.

To rest in HOPE not in the circumstances before me.

To rest in the knowledge that He WILL provide every need that I have - especially the financial needs for unexpected treatment, supplements, travel, etc. 

And the whispers continue each and every day. Amidst pain. Amidst the tears. Amidst the hugs from family and friends. Amidst the doctors tests and information. Amidst the blood work, concerns for provision, etc. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. 

Thank you so much for your understanding hearts, your countless prayers that have been prayed on my behalf, and for continuing to lift me up to God and for walking with me through this journey. For reasons that are unfathomable to me it looks like this journey is going to continue much much much longer than I ever believed it would. And while I don't have any answers I am placing my broken little heart in His hands. For He continues to whisper. 

Each and every day.